THE World Health Organisation has been drafted in to help quell the rising panic being caused by one Waterford woman’s positive diagnosis of man flu, the first of its kind anywhere on earth.
Dubbed ‘Patient Zero’, to protect her anonymity, she is believed to be in her mid to late twenties, from Dungarvan and called Colette Derrickson, the woman was rushed to bed earlier this week after complaining of flu-like symptoms.
However, rather than shake off these symptoms and get on with things like all women would normally do, Patient Zero instead rapidly fell into a spiral of self pity, whinging, overly-dramatic displays of weakness and complaints that ‘there’s no-one in the world that’s as ill as I am right now’; telltale signs of man-flu, the extremely potent strain of flu thought only to affect men.
“We’re trying to establish whether or not this is just a particularly nasty flu, or full-on man-flu,” said a source close to The Who, the legendary rockers who have a keen interest in all matters medical.
“What we’re seeing with Patient Zero is not just the flu, but an apparent desire to stay sick so that she has something to complain about, rather than a desire to get better. That’s classic man-flu right there, and it’s very worrying. If this starts to spread, then the whole world is in danger of shutting down completely. Women are the only thing keeping the world from descending into chaos as men struggle with man-flu, so if they succumb to it too, it’s going to be pandemonium out there”.
Men have been advised to treat their ailing wives and girlfriends the same way they themselves are treated during bouts of man-flu, with plenty of fluids, paracetamol, and questions about pointless shit that can wait until after they’re better.