Rosary Bead Clutching Increases 400% As Wording For ‘8th’ Replacement Released


RESIDENTS in Ireland have reported hearing the loud and unmistakable sound of rosary beads being clutched defiantly as news broke of the wording that would replace the 8th Amendment in the constitution if a referendum on repealing the amendment was successful.

“Oh, it was the most awful sound, the rubbing of dry wood against more dry wood, up against taut angry flesh and bones,” explained one member of the public, recalling the horrific sonorous clacking the country became cloaked in shortly after the beads were first clutched earlier this afternoon.

There is no indication as to when the rosary bead clutching will end, but some have suggested the sound can be dulled considerably some time in late May of this year.

Experts estimate that rosary beads clutching could have increased as much as an astonishing 400% today, in the moments that directly followed the government confirming that in the event of a yes vote the amendment would be replaced by “Provision may be made by law for the regulation of termination of pregnancies”.

“Yes, it actually registered on the Richter scale as a seismic event, which is a first,” explained Dr. Paul Paulson, a leading expert at the Sounds Ireland Makes Institute of Ireland (SIMII). “It’s odd, really, because rosary beads clutching never made such a pronounced sound at other times in recent Irish history, say, when clerical sexual abuse emerged, or when mass graves were discovered or when news of children being sold by the church for profit broke, or for the church forging signatures of mothers so their children could become part of experimental vaccine trials”.

The public is advised to soothe their ears with other competing sounds such as the listening to healthcare professionals and other experts in a bid to combat the awful sound.

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