5 Ways You Can Calm Your Tits

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LADIES, sometimes you just get yourself all worked up when really, you don’t need to. Don’t you know that for every woman on the planet, there’s at least one man working with her best interests at heart? So come on now, stop giving yourself unnecessary worry wrinkles in that pretty face of yours. Calm your tits and get on with your life.

1) Chill your boobs

It’s that simple girls. You don’t need to get all worked up over gender pay gaps and complicated things like that. Look, if it wasn’t necessary, it wouldn’t be there, right? It may seem unfair, but it was put in place by some pretty intelligent men a long time ago, so why don’t you just get back to watching some make-up tutorials on YouTube and stop getting so angry over something that you can’t do anything about.

2) Ice your mammaries

Put those front-bumps in the fridge any time you get frightened about rape culture, or if the toxic masculinity running rampant throughout society is going to cause you to be the next victim of sexual assault, or revenge porn, or just some nice, friendly sexual harassment as you walk down the street. Look, some guy on Twitter just told you that there’s no such thing as rape culture, so ice them puppies, okay? Jesus, you’re sounding like such a square.

3) Relax your diddies

You might consider it ‘sexual discrimination in the workplace’, but really it’s just the patriarchy looking out for you. Remember, this is how the most powerful men in society act when they like you, so how about you take your breasts to a nice relaxing day-spa unless you want to find out what happens when that’s not the case.

4) Sedate your mammaries

Repeal the 8th? Are you still going on about that? You know men have problems too, right? And you don’t hear them bitching about it all the time. Men have it down to a fine art; suppress your emotions and your feelings until they go away, and you live the rest of your life just fine. How about you calm your tits for a while and quit giving out about the things you don’t have. Start appreciating the things you do have, eh? Christ, look, we didn’t want to take it here, but this needy attitude of yours isn’t going to help you get a husband anytime soon.

5) Put your funbags on a course of anti-depressants

We’ve told you this already. Calm your tits. We don’t care how. Stop needling the patriarchy. It’s getting old, okay? Why can’t you all be like women from years ago, eh? What would your mother think of you if she saw you today, with un-cool tits and no husbands? Do you think she’d be proud of you, constantly fighting for more instead of putting up with what you have like a good girl? Honestly, it’s like we’re living in a world where boobs are constantly way less calm than they should be, and everyone has stopped listening to the soothing male voice of reason.

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