THOSE who pride themselves on being good at sex often declare they are either simply ‘animal in the sack’ or ‘an animal in the sack’. If you are part of the 100% of people who claim to be nothing other than amazing at intercourse, we’ve got just the test for you.
We’re satisfied that you’re an animal in the sack but the question is, which one? See what traits describe you best and you’ll be matched with the appropriate animal in the sack:
1) Would you describe yourself as passionate, with a habit of emitting a low whimpering sound which then gives way to joyful scream of ‘yes’ when you climax? And a sex face akin to Marty Morrissey being told he can play in an All-Ireland final with a technique in the bedroom best described as ‘slowly slowly catchy monkey’?
Looks like when it comes to being an animal in the sack you are:
A Naked Mole Rat! The plucky underdog of animals in the sack, will you be someone’s best? No. Are they likely to forget you and your animalistic ways? Not a chance.
2) Would you describe yourself as lazy, making the same sound you make when you stub your toe on a coffee table when you climax? With a sex face not too dissimilar to a playful newborn puppy? Topping things all off with a technique experts call the pneumatic drill?
Looks like you might be an animal in the sack all right, you are:
A Blob Fish! Don’t be deceived by its pathetic appearance, the blob fish still gets laid! Go you!
3) Lustful, making a roar which can be heard three valleys over when you’re tipped over the edge of sexual pleasure. With a sex having technique best described as ‘taming a wild horse’ and a sex face much like the lead singer of a heavy metal band, why your animal in the sack is:
The Chinese Goose! Often known to flap wildly without warning, and honk incessantly when seeking attention.
4) Enthusiastic, letting out a shrill laugh followed by what sounds like reciting Latin backwards when climaxing, with a sex face like that one photo of Beyoncé during her Super Bowl performance from a few years ago. With a sex technique confusingly described simply as ‘liquid’, your animal in the sack is:
The Lamprey. Perhaps oral sex isn’t your strong suit, but look, nobody’s perfect.