ARE you a lost lamb, wandering through the valley of the shadow of social media, not knowing which way to turn for digital salvation? Do you find yourself lying awake at night, scrolling through your Snapchats, un-entertained and disinclined to continue? Then might we suggest the wonderful glory and enlightenment that comes from following our digital Lord and Saviour, James Kavanagh.
Hundreds of thousands of Irish people have been following the Saviour of Snapchat, the Ayatollah of Instagram, the Twitter user on Twitter, James Kavanagh, for many years, and swear by his miraculous ability to turn something they aren’t interested in into something they are very interested in indeed. All hail His glory!
Businesses and PR gurus have all turned to Kavanagh most holy in a bid to turn their poor fortunes around, which he has managed to do with a flurry of discount code miracles… a feat that many would have thought ‘impossible’ and ‘not a real job’ only a few short years ago. All hail!
“I hadn’t bought a pair of sunglasses in years, until one day I saw James Kavanagh’s sponsored Snapchat story where he talked about his cool new sunglasses, and where he got them. Before the end of the week, I had bought the exact same pair,” sobbed one follower, extolling the abilities of the exalted influencer. Non believers will be punished!
“We weren’t sure anyone would have any interest in the coffee shop we had just opened, but a marketing company got us to give a lot of money to them so they could hire James Kavanagh to come around and take a selfie of himself drinking a latte in the shop. Within days, we had at least five more customers,” said an unemployed man we talked to, struck blind from the glorious rays of influence beaming out of our Saviour Kavanagh at all times. Praise be!
In truth, James Kavanagh is truly the one true social media God in Ireland. Beware the false promises of others who claim to be the social media messiah, and ask for their analytics as well as their rate card before trusting them with your business, or your soul.