THERE’S great news today in the Irish camp at the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics, after 17-year-old Dublin teenager Tiffany McDonald secured Ireland’s first gold medal of the tournament with a stunning victory in the ‘sinking bottles of Smirnoff Ice like they’re about to be banned’ event.
Full-time student McDonald attributed her outstanding capacity for drinking large amounts of bitterly cold alcoholic lemonade to her gruelling Leaving Cert study schedule, which she says leaves her ‘ready for the drink’ at the end of every day.
McDonald was selected from thousands of stressed students for the Irish drinking team destined for South Korea after being frequently found passed out at friends’ houses after binge-drinking sessions, and did her country proud with a personal-best of 14 bottles in less than an hour at the finals earlier today.
“If she could talk, I’m sure she’d like to thank her parents and her teachers for helping her discover the benefits of Smirnoff Ice,” said Declan Hanlon, Ireland’s head coach, while rolling an unconscious McDonald into the recovery position so that she didn’t drown in her sleep.
“She went up against some tough opposition, but there’s no way these other competitors have a history of turning to alcohol like Irish kids, and the stamina to drink bottle after bottle of ice-cold beverages like our Tiff. Now, all we need to do is get her into a good place for tomorrow’s Jager luge event and we could have a double-gold winner on our hand!”.
Allegations of performance-enhancing drugs have been leveled against the young drinking prodigy, but these have been brushed aside following a look at the Irish Leaving Cert system.