Stormont Talks Enter Pre-Argument Before The Real Argument Phase

WITH the arrival of Theresa May and her crack team of negotiators in Belfast, Stormont talks between the DUP and Sinn Féin are expected to enter the intense bickering phase, which is just a preamble to the more cataclysmic sectarian festering wound of a polite chit chat that will surely follow.

Concentrating on not making that gurning face that always ends up on the front pages of newspapers making her appear hapless, PM May put considerable effort into to looking like she actually wanted to be in Northern Ireland of all places.

The real work was undertaken this afternoon however as May, alongside Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, swooped into Belfast in a bid to tell the DUP and Sinn Féin what they were doing wrong, while repeating the phrase ‘can’t we all just get along?’ over and over again.

However, before the pair were able to seamlessly bring the crisis to an amicable close, the DUP and Sinn Féin uncharacteristically disagreed on something trivial in the lead up to disagreeing on something important, sending the car crash talks back onto the wrong side of the road at speed into oncoming traffic.

Solving the Stormont impasse has been scientifically proven to be at least 9000% harder than ongoing EU Brexit negotiations, which led to a rare moment of agreement between Louise O’Neill and Arlene Foster as they both suggested giving May some crayons to use on a colouring book while they went about disagreeing on an Irish Language Act.

“Whatever progress is made, just remember it only enables us to have an even bigger fallout in the future which will surely cause irreparable damage, negatively impacting several generations to come,” the two Northern party leaders said in a joint address, celebrating the latest minor sign of progress.