THE LINE UP to this year’s Longitude Festival has been celebrated in an ecstatic fashion by lovers of contemporary rap and hip hop music. However, the Marley Park festival is said to also be doubling up as the most effective way to discover whether or not you are still cool, experts in coolness can confirm.
Failure to recognise even one artist on the impressive bill is now the most expedient way to make peace with the fact you are not cool, but it has been known to elicit an obscene amount of moaning too.
“I don’t know any of the acts, they sound shite to me. I demand you change the lineup immediately,” one former cool person, Dermot Kilrudd, said as he shouted at the sky, unable to accept that he’s about as cool as an ice cube in a volcano.
Kilrudd, like so many music fans, once had a keen interest in cool music, but last paid attention to what was cool when Franz Ferdinand and The Strokes were in the their heyday and now prefers to just give out about things he doesn’t understand or ‘get’.
“This Is bullshit, I want it to be full of cool music I like or else it should be cancelled,” added Kilrudd who hasn’t been to a gig in about 3 years.
Previously, it was only possible to ascertain if people were no longer cool if they only ever expressed a like for movies, songs or TV shows pre-2005, wore crocs, or recently shared memes you had first seen over a year ago.
Those individuals who have been careful to point out they do know the likes of Joey Bada$$, Migos, Sampha and Solange but just think they’re shite have been told to ‘let it go’.
Elsewhere, your great-grandfather remembers when Longitude was a decent festival.