THERE was economic chaos for Dermot Creland at the start of business today after his bank balance dropped sharply by eighteen pints; the worst weekend trading result in history for the Dublin man.
Creland’s account had looked in good shape yesterday evening, but a series of payments to vintners, publicans and off-licensed premises took effect after the close of business last night, wiping the value of eighteen pints of Heineken off his shares in one fell swoop, sending the Creland house into uproar.
The sharp drop is said to be a result of a failure to act accordingly to external stimulus over the weekend, with Creland making a series of poor choices after listening to shaky advice from his close financial advisors, namely ‘Wee Eoin up the road and cuntface Derek’.
With little to no memory of what happened on Saturday night in town, David was pleased to see his online balance was still healthy on Monday morning, and was therefore distraught when he noticed that DC’s balance had suffered such heavy losses.
“We’re looking at ways we can rebuild his economy, before sanctions are put in place to stop this kind of thing happening again,” said David’s wife Maire Creland, brought in to help sort out the mess.
“We’ve had multi-pint drops in the past, but this is beyond reckoning. There hasn’t been a day this bad for the DC since he went to his cousin’s wedding in 2004, a day which still lives in our memory as ‘Black Saturday’. I’ve put in some calming measures in place to help things settle here, and then there’ll be some extreme financial regulations imposed, as well as a ban on dealing with those pricks up the road who take him out on these fucking benders”.
Creland has pleaded with the central bank of his wife for some sort of bailout program, but so far his application has been unsuccessful.