OFFICE speak, eh? It can be an ever-changing minefield of super-cool gobbledygook, with bosses and supervisors asking you to ‘waterfall’ this and ‘think outside the box’ that… wouldn’t it be great if you were told in plain, simple language what it was they wanted you to do, instead of leaving you to ‘internalise your actions’ for an hour?
Well, worry no more, here’s a quick guide to a few of the latest buzzwords that you’ll be expected to work with in the office these days.
The act of forcing a young, inexperienced work force to toil tirelessly through the night to help generate revenue for you, while you do fuck all.
Use: “Ah yeah, I had a team of interns rumpelstilskening that for me at the weekend while I was out on the golf course”
The act of mentally and psychologically breaking an employee down so they feel that there’s nothing outside the office walls, and that their work is all they have.
Use: “Yeah, he made a lot of noise about wanting pay raises and how he was going to quit, but I fritzelled him into thinking he was useless and we were the only people who’d hire him”.
The pleasant heat that rises from a freshly-printed page, giving the holder a small window of joy and hope in an otherwise mundane and disgracefully downtrodden day.
Use: “Ah yeah, having a shite one to be honest, I had to go and stand by the fuckin’ printer for a bit of A4 warmth”
The most despicable of all office superiors.
Uses: “No, go on without me, I have to do all these reports for fucking cunthead – the horrible prick”.