Fresh Round Of Stormont Talks Kick Off For The Craic

MEMBERS from both sides of the Northern political divide are to reconvene in Stormont today for a fresh round of sitting around, playing on phones, passing notes, making snide remarks about each other, and generally killing time before they can go back home again.

Almost a year has passed since the collapse of the Northern Assembly, and both Sinn Féin and the DUP remain diametrically opposed on key issues such as gay marriage, the Irish language act, and one side being Fenian scum and the other side being Jaffa bastards.

Amid calls for further talks from both Westminster and Leinster House following four separate breakdowns of talks in the last year, the parties have agreed to assemble at Stormont today but there have been ‘no promises’ when it comes to actually doing something that would actually benefit the people of Northern Ireland.

“We’re going to start with a late breakfast and then move quickly on to an hour or so of walking around the place,” said a representative of Stormont, reading from the agenda for the day.

“Then we move swiftly on to an hour of bickering, two full hours of having the craic with your party colleagues while ignoring what the other side has to say, and then we should be good to move on to another 4 months of doing fuck all. All in all, a productive day at Stormont”.

To save time, both Sinn Féin and the DUP have agreed to use their ‘it’s all their fault’ statements from the last round of talks so that they can head home early and catch the start of Emmerdale.