5 Household Spaces To Hide Your Empty Beer Bottles, Chronic Alcoholism

WHILE every lightweight in the country is rabbiting on about dry January, WWN is on hand to guide you through your most shameful time of the year.

With promises of giving up for lent already being practiced by your naive mind, we show you five household spaces where you can safely hide your empty beer and wine bottles, and of course your chronic alcoholism, from friends, neighbours and visiting family members.

The Utility Room

At this stage of the game, you’ve realised that travelling to the bottle bank every single day is not an option. Recycling has to be done once a month under the cover of night, when no one you know is around. There’s nothing worse than meeting a friend at the bottle bank who has just one miserable box of empty bottles, while you unload your car full to the brim of same-brand empty bottles. Storing the evidence in the utility room beside the washing machine and dryer is one of the most common places to store your empties. Make sure to use a bag for life for the bottles. Sure, they’re 70 cents a bag and will probably be rendered unusable after, but you can easily fuck these into the bottle bin when done. Recycling lads love that, and probably make a decent living on the side selling them.

Under The Stairs

In your day, it used to be your second home when mammy and daddy were fighting, but now the area under the stairs has all sorts of uses, including storing old shoes, jackets, dated electrical objects, and perfect for storing those empty bottles. Fuck an old carpet or rug over them. Tell the kids stories about the horrible monsters who live in there, all 234 of them at last count. 5.5% monsters.

The Garden Shed. 

Be careful here, lad. The danger with this one is that there’s a lot of fucking space in that shed for empty bottles, and things can get way out of hand fairly quickly, especially with your drinking habits. We would recommend keeping track of how many bags or boxes of bottles you can fit in your car, otherwise you’ll be making two or three trips to the bank at 5am in the morning. Best keep a log book in the garden shed, making sure to keep on top of your loads.

The Attic

Not very convenient as you have to pull down the Stira, as seen on the Late Late show, but great if nosey cunts are coming around to visit and judge your current status quo. Again, the danger here is you will forget all about the bottles up there once those pricks have gone, leading to some embarrassing Christmas decoration times. We would recommend the attic as the last port of call.

The Boot Of Your Car

Technically not a household space, but the boot of your car is the ideal hiding space if you are hiding your alcoholism from your spouse or housemates. We also found that keeping your sneaky stash of full bottles in the boot is a winner under this circumstance; the car boot is always cool, and is never checked by loved ones. Make sure to use padding like old clothes or blankets so that they don’t make a clunking noise while driving.

Bottoms up. You’re welcome.