How To Be A YouTube Sensation

THERE was a time when kids wanted to grow up to be movie stars and pop singers… but not anymore. After a generation switched their dreams of Hollywood fame for the more achievable heights of reality TV, we move now into the landscape of online ‘clout’, specifically, YouTube stardom.

And hey, who are we to stand back and let the kids have all the fun? We like money, we like fame, we like attention… we could be YouTube sensations too, right? Care to join us? Let’s check out a few videos and see how….

1) Be young and good looking

Ah, that old stumbling block. Most of these people are young and attractive; a roadblock for almost all of our dreams in life. Well, we may not be good looking, or young, but we know how to tell a story and create something that people want to watch, so we have that going in our favour.

2) Create nothing

Hmm, that’s odd. The highest-hitting YouTube videos don’t appear to have any kind of narrative structure, or creative engine whatsoever. Half of this shit is people playing Minecraft or buying expensive watches. Ok, let’s take another look at this…

3) Spend huge amounts of money

Ok, so if we’re seeing this right, the way to YouTube stardom is to make huge amounts of money from appearing on YouTube and then flaunt that wealth in everyone’s faces, while being as obnoxious as possible. But wait, where does this thing start? Where’s the head of this fucking snake?

4) Film a dead guy

Wait, go back one… film a dead man, hanging from a tree? That’s what gets you the highest-viewed YouTube video of 2018 so far?

5) Tackle the haters

Look, we’re all for a good fight, but some of these people have very valid concerns and opinions. We can’t surely just lump everyone into one group and label them ‘the enemy’, can we… oh, we can? And our fans just go along with that, do they?

6) Thrive

Once you’ve ticked all those boxes… that’s it, it seems. You’re now one of the most famous people in the world, somehow. Enjoy!