ALTHOUGH Christmas may be a distant memory for most people, it’s still very much alive in the hearts and minds of the algorithm and consumer targeting systems of each and every online vendor which closed a sale during the festive period, as evidenced by the persistent automated emails asking people if they would like to make any subsequent purchases, WWN can reveal.
Across the globe, spouses and partners are battling the influx of emails based on gifts they bought for their significant others, with men getting asked if they need to purchase eyeliner to accompany the mascara they bought for their wives, and girlfriends receiving ‘special offers’ on paint-balling and tank-driving experiences.
In all instances, corporations appear to have forgotten the ‘flat fucking broke’ status of the population in January, and are under the impression that just because a person had €50 to buy something on their website in Winter, then they probably are able to do the same in Spring.
“I’m afraid purchasing lingerie is a once-a-year thing for me” said regular man John Harris, deleting wave after wave of ‘special offer’ emails from his inbox.
“You would think that companies that sell products for women would filter their outgoing mails and make sure that someone who is clearly a man who bought what was clearly a gift in the middle of December doesn’t get ninety emails a day asking if he’s alright for tights for the rest of his life. Next year, I’m just going to do all my online shopping with the missus’ email account so that she can field these fucking things all year instead of me”.
In a recent WWN poll, 99% of people who shopped online last Christmas confirmed that yes, they saw the box marked ‘tick here to not receive correspondence’, but were too relieved to have their shopping done to actually click it.