SHARING pics, memes and GIFs online is easy. Share them on your Snapchat, post them on your Facebook… you get that feel-good buzz that you’ve just put a smile on someone’s face.
But in real life, sharing funny pics or images of your kids or events you attended with people that are standing right in front of you is fraught with danger. Humans have evolved to no longer just look at a phone, we instinctively swipe from left to right to see everything on the camera roll. This can be problematic if you know that nine photos to the left, there’s the snap of you holding your erect penis that you sent to that girl on Tinder that wouldn’t match up with you, so that she could see the error of her ways.
Need to be sure that your friend sees the photo you want to show them, and only that photo? Here’s a few tips:
1) Make it your wallpaper
Take a moment before blurting out that you’ve got ‘a great one to show you’ to set the pic as your wallpaper, or lock screen. This way, your friend will be unable to swipe through your album! Beware though, when someone attempts to swipe a photo to the left and it doesn’t move, they may become angry and confused, and lose control of their motor functions. You may need to taze them. Be ready.
2) Be ready to taze them
Look, maybe just be ready to taze them anyway. The second you see them smile at the Minions meme you showed them, flick the safety catch off. If you see their finger rise to the screen, get the tazer out of your pocket. Finger touches screen one more time, bam. Side of the neck. Reports suggest that Apple are implementing this feature on the iPhone Xs… we sincerely hope so.
3) Cease all human contact
Ask yourself why you’re actually talking to anyone in real life these days anyway. Didn’t that shit stop in the naughties? Actually showing your phone to someone so they can see a photo on it… what are you, a caveman? Tell them you’ll ‘send it to them later’, and then go home and never speak to them again outside of a Whatsapp group.