HAS the honour of being ‘best man’ at a friend’s wedding been bestowed upon you? Then you better get a pen ready, this job is more than just organising a piss-up in Liverpool or a day of go-karting in the midlands somewhere. You need a speech, man!
Public speaking is nerve-wracking at the best of times, but when it’s on the most important day of your best friend’s life, you have to be sure to not put a single foot wrong. If you’re caught for subject matter, then never fear; here’s five things you must include, or the day is ruined. RUINED!
It’s important that you pepper as many vague references and in-jokes about your friendship with the groom throughout the speech. Whether there’s 10 guests or 200, they’ll all love some baffling non-sequitur or half-story that goes nowhere, ending with the line ‘but sure I don’t have to say any more about that’. You really, really do need to say more about it, but if you laugh enough at your own joke people will just assume it was funny and move on.
Just one ‘fuck’, just even one little ‘shit’, anything at all that you can let slip by accident in the middle of your speech so that the parents of the wedded couple can feel awkward while they glance over at the parish priest who swung a free dinner for himself. You don’t have to be vulgar, but if you’re in the middle of a story about some teacher you and the groom hated at school and you call him a ‘miserable old cunt’, well, so be it.
3) An elaborate slide-show/dance/flash mob
Look, do you want to feature on Joe.ie or not? This is your best pal’s wedding. If your speech does not include a dance that you’ve been practicing for months, then hang your head in shame, you selfish prick.
4) A hostage situation
You’ve got the floor, you’ve got the mic. You’ve got a hundred unarmed guests. You could have anything you want, if you fire a gun in the air and tell everyone that none of them will see home again if the cops don’t co-operate and give you your list of demands. Get someone released from jail. Get a fucking Playstation!
Hang your mickey out before you stand up. Just keep it out there through the whole speech. Say nothing, just read out the cards from people who couldn’t be here today, with your penis resting on the table. See if anyone stops you, or points it out. Laugh it off if anyone gets offended. Jesus Christ, I thought this was a wedding. Relax, you fucking dry shites.