Local Man Never Goes Out New Years

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A COUNTY Waterford man has left family members, friends and neighbours speechless today following an announcement which has left many questioning his life choices after claiming to never go out on New Years eve.

Despite it being collectively celebrated by billions of people around the world, David Kennedy slammed New Years eve as “a sham”, stating he would rather spend it at home alone watching Jools Holland on TV.

“It’s only another day to me,” Kennedy scoffed, blissfully unaware of the impact his words, “load of bollocks is all it is; bunch of children getting sick everywhere, shiftin’ the faces off themselves, queuing for pints all night, everyone fucked out then on the street then at half two killing each other… sure, where’s the enjoyment in that?

“New years me hole!” he added.

David’s full-time sister, Sarah Kennedy, revealed she had no idea her brother had gotten to that stage in his life already, admitting to not knowing what to do about his choice not to go out tonight.

“He’s 38-years-old, so I suppose we should have seen this coming,” she explained, now holding an old photograph of David in happier times of his life, “what next? He’ll stop going to weddings, funerals, Christmas dinners? Like, where does it end?”

Asked whether he ever enjoyed a new years night out, Kennedy replied: “The last new years I went out was 2000; now there was a proper countdown to the unknown, sure, we all thought we were gonna die when the clock struck 12, so we made sure to give it a good aul fucking lash, neckin’ yokes and snortin K. It’s all this flowery pc bollocks now with fuckers holding hands and pretending to be happy”.

In a recent report, 8 out of 10 thirty-somethings in Ireland admitted to not going out New Years eve due to the town being “too packed” and unable to hear their friends talk about themselves.

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