5 Decisions More Regrettable Than Your Cheryl Tweedy Hand Tattoo

IT HAS been almost 7 years since you opted to deface the side of your hand with a traditional Polynesian Maori style tattoo that you copied from your idol, Cheryl Tweedy. But don’t lament over past mistakes, we’ve found five more regrettable decisions to take your mind off of that permanent blobby blue mess on your hand you once called art.

5) Marrying local man Leslie Cole 

Your decision to marry local 7-a-side striker Leslie Cole in 2006 was probably one of your most regrettable decisions to date, mainly because you didn’t really know the man from Adam, apart from being the only black man in the parish that could play football whose second name was Cole. Bribing him with €25,000 into marrying you was a terrible idea, but paying him a further €10,000 to cheat on you some four years later was just damn stupid. However, your divorce did make the courts section of your local newspaper, so there’s that, we suppose.

4) Becoming a judge in X-Factor Carrick-On-Suir

Now, we’re not saying you did a terrible job, but hiring a bus for 48 people to bring them from Mulligan’s Tavern to your council house in Mooncoin at 2am for “the judges houses segment” was actually insane. To top it off, your incessant crying during the whole bit was disturbing, especially when you decided at 7am not to bring any of your singers through to the next round as “they weren’t good enough” – no wonder the pub owner never asked you back the following year.

3) Marrying cafe owner John Tobin under the condition he would change his name by deed poll to Fernandez-Versini 

Yeah, so, this was actually an awful decision, considering John later joined the priesthood and vowed never to look at another woman again. Fr. John actually loved you, despite the short 3-month courtship and then subsequent divorce ‘for no reason’. You’re actually a terrible person. We have no words for this.

2) Grooming a local 18-year-old busker and getting pregnant

Look, we know turning 40 can be tough for a twice divorced woman with an awful culchie accent, but praying on naive young male musicians on the street for two years before securing your “Liam” is actually criminal. Although William Penn may be a fine young man and doting father of your son, Bear, he is 20 years your junior and has no idea about your lifelong fascination with Cheryl Tweedy, until of course the next time she splits with her partner.

1) That full buttock tattoo 

Actually, at this stage in your life, covering that area of your body in a full rose tattoo isn’t a bad thing, however, wearing your pajama bottoms in Tesco with the cheeks of your arse hanging out isn’t cool. No one wants to see that kind of thing. Especially when you paid a local alcoholic 6 cans of Tuborg to imprint the design, using only a compass and the ink from several blue biros.