“It’s Not The Pay, I Just Want To Ruin Everyone’s Christmas” Ryanair Pilot Speaks Out

FOLLOWING news that Ryanair pilots are to strike five days before Christmas starting on the 20th of December, we speak to Captain Cathal Murray, a longtime pilot for the troubled airline.

“Every time there’s a strike or string of flight delays, I like to sit here and watch people’s faces as their little hearts break,” 49-year-old Cathal Murray said, beginning our interview while seated in a busy Dublin airport cafe, “there’s something very arousing in a disappointed face that really tingles the underside of my scrotum; the panic, the sheer not knowing how long more they’ll be left stranded. Call me sick, but it’s the best part of my job”.

The captain then stopped to laugh at a screaming child who just fell on the cafe floor, dropping their bag of sweets all over the ground.

“What an idiot!” Murray pointed out, now smirking at the child’s red-faced father as he struggled to soothe his son’s cries, “probably off to Lanzarote, I bet. That’s Jason’s route, he hates letting kids on his plane. He loves to purposely dive before landing, just to hurt their ears more”.

Last week, almost 80 Ryanair staff pilots sanctioned industrial action at the carrier as it faces up to unrest in Ireland and in other European countries, a fact that seemingly didn’t phase the son of two.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what it’s all about,” the captain said, now referring to the strike, “I think the general feeling back at base is that we all just hate people, so no better time to strike than five days before Christmas, when all the soppy assholes start flying home. No other reason for striking other than that… well, apart from the poor conditions and wage thing. But sure, it’s Ryanfuckingair like, what do you expect?”

When asked what he thought of the airlines CEO, he replied: “O’Leary is in on this whole thing too. In fact, he’s the one that suggested this whole strike thing in the first place. Mick fucking hates people, especially Ryanair customers”.

With that, the pilot got up from his chair before gently lifting his right leg and farting in this reporter’s general direction.