CELEBRATIONS have begun among the members of the United Russian political party, following current premier Vladimir Putin’s decision to win next year’s presidential elections by a landslide margin.
Putin, who has held the position of either president or prime minister of the Russian Federation for over 17 years, made the announcement yesterday that he would put himself forward for re-election next year, and subsequently announced that he had clinched victory in said elections by a wide margin.
Journalists covering Putin’s victory in an election that will not take place until next year were said to be ecstatic at the news, adding that Vladimir is the best person for the job and that they look forward to covering his new six-year term with the sort of hard-hitting, pro-Putin journalism that has kept them happy and safe for the past decade.
“I can’t believe just how dominating Putin’s victory is going to be next year,” said one editor for a Russian newspaper we spoke to, while wearing a fetching red laser dot on his forehead.
“Finally, all the problems facing the Russian people will be eradicated… not that I’m saying that there are any problems facing the Russian people, of course. Everything is fine. Two decades of Putin has solved everything, ha ha! But like, any foreign policies that need to be looked at, Putin will look at them all in a way that serves the betterment of not just Russia, but of the world. It’s all going to be brilliant. But like, it’s brilliant right now, don’t think that I’ve any problems with Putin. I don’t. Say, does this tea taste funny to you?”
So far, nobody has come forward to be beaten by Putin in next year’s election, save for one politician who has been suicidal for many years now.