A HIGHLY competitive game of musical chairs in Leinster House has resulted in the appointment of Simon Coveney to the position of Tánaiste, WWN can confirm.
After a merit based system of appointment proved completely fruitless, the Taoiseach Leo Varadkar resolved to allow several prominent members of his cabinet to play musical chairs.
“Going on merit alone would have left the position of Tánaiste vacant as no one is actually fit for the role, so what else can one do but just slap on some tunes and remove chair after chair,” confirmed a member of the government’s Spin Unit.
The process of removing chairs until there is only one left for two people to fight over could also explain how Fine Gael’s Josepha Madigan was appointed Minister for Culture, replacing Heather Humphreys who has been named Minister for Business Enterprise & Innovation.
“I think Humphreys was distracted by what a banger Get Lucky is, and was dancing away and then Simon just darted for the chair once the music stopped,” added the spokesperson for the Spin Unit.
With the task appointing a Tánaiste completed, the government will spend the day trying to frame the death of three homeless people in recent days as having no connection to years of failed policy.
“We don’t actually call it ‘Homeless people’ anymore, we prefer ‘Homefull Hopefuls’, it sounds nicer and it might help us to sleep easier at night,” confirmed the Spin Unit spokesperson.