“Stupid Little Paddies Should Do What We Tell Them”

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DISPLAYING the sort of political acumen that has become synonymous with her party’s handling of Brexit negotiations, British PM Theresa May has explained to Ireland, a sovereign nation entitled to its own opinion on things, to stop being idiotic drunken Paddies and simply do as they are told.

Following on from a week in which the clearly defined terms of Article 50 and the subsequent negotiation process it triggered was explained to the British government yet again, May expressed her dismay at the fact the issues arising from Britain’s decision to vote itself into precisely this situation, is all Ireland’s fault somehow.

“Drunk on Guinness, intellectually inferior, the IRA, wait, what’s the Famine again? Oh my God, get over that. Colin Farrell is English. We don’t export anything to you, we only import stuff from you, saving you from economic ruin. Know your place, you owe everything to us,” began May at a press briefing, in a clear effort at a softly, softly approach that sought to get the Irish government on her side during negotiations.

PM May’s comments come hot on the heels of Britain’s discovery of part of a land mass off its western coast known as Northern Ireland.

“If we had been informed of its existence earlier, our negotiation strategy would be different. In no way better than the shit show currently in the works, but definitely different,” May added, irate that Ireland kept its border with Northern Ireland, and something called the Good Friday Agreement, a secret this whole time.

Britain has gone on to criticise Ireland for negotiating Brexit as part of something known as the EU27, a group of 27 EU member states who, under the terms of Brexit, are negotiating as one entity on all matters related to Britain’s exit from the EU.

“Once again, for the 678th time in the last 24 hours, this sort of thing has come as a great shock to us all. If only there was some way of foreseeing all these issues,” May concluded, before reaching for a glass of water, which was resting on top of a copy of the Treaty on European Union.

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