THE FIRST LEG of Ireland’s triumphant victory against Denmark is but a few hours away, and WWN’s sports experts are on hand to weigh up the opposition and assess the Irish squad preparedness.
Dangerman: Christian Eriksen, Spurs metronomic midfield maestro is head and shoulders above every Irish player currently playing football, but thanks to Eamon Dunphy, who has cast a closer professional pundit eye over the player, WWN can confirm ‘he’s no Wes’ and that is a ‘fraud who lacks guile’.
Denmark have a number of superior players, however, they only chart 3 out of 10 James McCleans on the passion scale.
Fans: First blow to Ireland as Danish fans are shite, according to the latest reports from Irish fans. 1-0 Ireland.
In a hilarious turn, indicative of the craic the Green Army are famous for, Irish supporters have wasted no time in engaging in gas banter on Danish soil. While details are still unclear the gas banter and craic appears to be banter, and gas.
Tactics: Martin O’Neill has remained tight lipped on the predictable long ball and defensive approach he will definitely utilise in the first leg, meaning the Danes will struggle to figure the Irish team out. This unpredictably predictability could shock every Danish player if they’ve never heard of football before.
Starting XI: The frailty of the human body and the ravages of time means Martin O’Neill couldn’t call up Paul McGrath, John Giles, Richard Dunne, Niall Quinn and Liam Brady to the squad. However, Cyrus Christie should start.
Path to victory: Shane Duffy’s head will be key to any Irish gains. Constructed from radioactive granite, Duffy’s forehead contains the same power as a small nuclear warhead.
Stats: Denmark are a shot conversion rate of 24% when they gain possession in the middle 5% of the pitch in games in which there has been a minimum of 12 thrown ins in the first half. However, when taking into account matches only played on Earth on Saturday this conversion rate drops to 19%. Food for thought.
Stats: Ireland tend to grind even the most talented squads into submission, forcing them to engage in a depressing duel of kick-ball-hard. This is not so much a stat as horrifying reality all football loving fans have to contend with.
An inspiring show of squad unity was shown earlier this week as the Irish players helped Darren Randolph celebrate his transfer to Middlesborough at the start of the season, thus avoiding being managed by David Moyes at West Ham.
Tut tut: That Thomas Delaney fella, not even playing for his really country.
“The Irish media will print anything I say, no honestly, it will. Look, just watch; I have jaffa cakes for elbows. See, what did I fucking tell you?” confirmed Ireland assistant manager Roy Keane ahead of the keenly awaited tie.
“Martin O’Neill’s penis is made entirely from Jenga pieces. Told you. Told you. Told you. They’ll print abso-fucking-lutely anything I say,” confirmed Roy Keane, famed for his ability to give the papers a good quote they can turn from a molehill into a mountain.
Prediction: A number of fathers passionately explaining to their young children why they should love the Irish players on TV aimlessly kicking the ball about in between crunching tackles.