Ireland V Denmark: A Survival Guide

IT’S been a while since the Republic Of Ireland were ‘180 mins away from a place in the World Cup Finals’™, but the time is upon us once again; this Saturday, the Irish people will be forced to sit through the first excruciating 90 minutes of our latest attempt to qualify for Russia ’18.

Although the country was delighted when we drew the low-ranking Denmark team as our opponents for the play-offs, dread has been steadily building as to how the Irish team might manage to fuck up the seemingly straightforward task of scoring more goals than the weaker team, with all experts pointing towards two of the hardest-to-watch games of football the best supporters in the world™ have ever been forced to sit through.

Worried about how you ‘re going to cope? Here’s a few tips:

1) Smash your TV

Smash your TV, smash your phone, smash you computer. Block out all possible ways you could watch the game. Go up a hill, go up a mountain. Go for a walk on the beach until your feet get wet. Avoid all contact with anything to do with the game. Just forget it’s on. Move on with your life.

2) Drink yourself into a stupor

By all means, go to watch the match in a pub. Cheer with your pals as the kick-off takes place. Then, at around the five minute mark when it becomes apparent that Ireland are just going to long-pass the ball between themselves until the Danes attack in the 87th minute and score a winner, begin to drink as fast as your liver will allow. Let the warm alcohol chase all the bad away. There is nothing that can hurt you here.

3) Sing

The default action of the Irish football fan. Sing. Sing Fields of Athenry. Sing Ole Ole Ole Ole. Sing them all, sing at the top of your lungs as the boys in green eke out a nil-all draw and amplify the pressure on the home leg the following week. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it? A good old sing-song, having the craic. You’re the best fans in the world. You’re the best. Fans. In the world.