EVERTON staff and fans along with club hierarchy were given the fright of their lives this morning as security uncovered a wild David Moyes in the bushes at their training ground this morning.
Grasping a contract written on toilet paper that he clearly wrote himself, former Everton, Sunderland and Man United boss Moyes was said to be planning on accosting chairman Bill Kenwright and urging him to sign the paper, which would grant the Scot a 6-year contract with the club.
High-pitched and desperate cries of ‘Hiya Wayne’ were also heard coming from bushes adjacent to Everton’s training ground earlier that morning as the squad prepared for their League Cup tie against Chelsea but were dismissed as disturbing sounds made by the wind.
Security staff’s effort to dislodge Moyes from the premises proved fruitless as Scottish people are notoriously difficult to move on from anywhere, prompting them to call the police who brought an expert Scottish-whisperer with them.
Moyes was found to have had a 6 pack of Wayne’s favourite beer in his possession and admitted that he was going to offer Rooney a spin in his 2012 Vauxall Astra once the beer was consumed.
“He was so sad and grey looking, we felt bad moving him on but all it took in the end was a net and an officer dressed in a Fellaini wig to coax him out of the bushes,” confirmed the Scottish-whisperer.
“We’re just glad a real tragedy was averted and David was allowed within 50 feet of the team,” confirmed one relieved Everton fan, who admits the thoughts of having Ryan Giggs as a manager also gives him sleepless nights.