Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You spend the day muttering about how it’s ‘not that windy’.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You become the owner of 16 new wheelie bins.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re driven slowly mad by the incessant flapping of your letterbox.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Hurricane Ophelia becomes almost as windy as your arse after a feed of Guinness.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Look, you needed beer. It was necessary. A necessary journey. Fuck what anyone thinks.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’ll be alright if the electricity goes out, but if you lose the internet you’re fucked.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You make sure to put a rock on your cat, just to be safe.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Screaming ‘fuck this’, you pull your coat up over your head and vanish into the sky, never to be seen again.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You picked the wrong week to buy a trampoline.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You wonder if you can get a few more days off work out of this storm.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You take this opportunity to have a really dramatic fight with your arch nemesis.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You smash up your neighbours boy racer car, then head out the next day and say oooh, storm getcha?

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