Spanish Government Kidnap Lionel Messi In Dawn Raid

THE latest escalation in violence carried out by Spanish government forces against the Catalan region of the country has seen football superstar Lionel Messi been kidnapped while on international duty in Argentina.

“And no, just to make it clear, we will not be making him play for Real Madrid. That’s unfair, no, we’re finally going to settle the debate of whether he is actually any good by making him play in goals for Malaga,” confirmed one of Messi’s captors, Madrid police official Sergio Peron.

The kidnapping took place at 6am, and is just the first in a series of measures planned by the Spanish government to crush any swell of support for independence in the region.

“I believe the next step is to transport the Sagrada Familia brick by brick to Seville, and then we’re going to enjoy making the most of the 25% of GDP the region accounts for without any concessions, no, wait, we already do that,” confirmed embattled Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy.

The Rajoy helmed government also stated their overwhelming desire to make the current situation much, much worse by confirming they will not allow the Catalan regional government to sit this Monday.

“It will be a measured response, there isn’t a chance whatsoever that images and videos of the resulting police-led chaos will make its way around the world, further emboldening the cause of the pro-succession lobby. No way Jose,” Rajoy concluded as he posed with a handcuffed and hooded Messi.

UPDATE: Lionel Messi scored two hat tricks in his first appearance in goals for Malaga in a friendly against a Spanish Government XI.