Michael O’Leary Chains Self To Runway

BELEAGUERED Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has chained himself to a runway at Dublin airport in protest against better pay and conditions for staff at other airlines, in a bid to cling on to his remaining workforce.

Pilots and cabin staff have been fleeing from the budget airline in their droves, with many of them being headhunted by rival firms such as Norwegian Air, which was rumoured to have lured some 140 RyanAir pilots away this year alone.

After writing a letter to each and every Ryanair pilot begging them to stay with the airline, O’Leary has stated that he has ‘no other choice’ but to take his protest to the runway at Terminal 1, where he has chained himself for the last 4 hours.

“Until other airlines bring their standards down to ours, I will remain on this runway,” read a slogan daubed in brown paint on the tarmac beside Mr. O’Leary, who does not appear to have paint or a paintbrush with him.

“I will be allowed to disrespect my staff in the same manner as I disrespect my customers, and until the entire industry lowers itself to the standards of Ryanair, I will stay chained here”.

Teams of negotiators have been sent to the airport to give Mr. O’Leary a good kicking, accompanied by the sound of a trumpet tooting.