AS THE American people are forced yet again to reckon with the tragic aftermath of another mass shooting, there has been some relief as authorities have been able to unequivocally downgrade the incident from ‘terrorism’ to ‘oh wait, he’s white’.
“Oh boy, what a relief,” confirmed a leading Republican speaking to WWN, who asked for some time and space during such a colossal loss of life so as to allow him and his colleagues to figure out how to spin this against Muslims.
The news that the man who has killed at least 59 people and injured 500 cannot be categorised as having committed terrorism will come as a relief to America’s political class who have confessed to having no interest in losing campaign contributions from the NRA.
“The whole gun thing, thank God above this isn’t something American people actually have to worry about day in, day out, like we do with Syrian refugees or Mexicans,” added the Republican, pointing to a chart which shows ‘oh wait, he’s white’ as the least offensive and troublesome form of mass shooter America has to offer.
Some media outlets also expressed their relief as the ethnicity of the shooter was revealed.
“If this guy was a Muslim, heck if he was black, we’d have to hire 30 freelancers just to delve into his every move and background, but since the incident has been downgraded, we can get back to focusing why kneeling during the national anthem is killing this country,” explained one editor we spoke to.
A number of countries seeking to offer advice on how to avoid mass shootings after experiencing similar tragedies have been told to mind their own business.
“The answer is more guns,” leading lobbyists are expected to say behind closed doors in Washington in the coming days and weeks. However, a strong willed President Trump, who received $30 million for his election campaign from the NRA, is expected to put safer gun laws in place almost immediately.