Trump Assures Puerto Ricans They’re Fine

VICTIMS of the devastating hurricane that levelled Puerto Rico have been assured once again by President Donald Trump that they have plenty of food, water and medical supplies, despite what they may think to the contrary.

‘FEMA & First Responders are doing a GREAT job in Puerto Rico. Massive food & water delivered,’ tweeted Trump, 9 days after Hurricane Maria tore across the island, with a death toll now spiralling into the hundreds.

Despite Mr. Trump’s claims, thousands of Puerto Rican civilians have issued statements stressing that no, there’s no food and water, and the loss of power on the island has increased the risk of disease and infections from drinking unsanitary water.

‘No, no,’ tweeted Trump, ‘You’re fine. I have the figures here in front of me: Puerto Rico, recovering well. Everyone well-fed and healthy. All good. The best’.

The series of tweets puzzled the 3.4million people living in Puerto Rico, all of whom are US citizens thanks to a handshake deal done during the Cold War in exchange for letting the United States set up military bases on the island as the Russians set up shop in neighbouring Cuba.

‘I assure you, you’re all perfectly safe and healthy,’ tweeted Trump again, adding, ‘I’ve done a great job, responded immediately, and saved thousands of lives with the aid that I signed off on, all of which is already being enjoyed by Puerto Ricans as we speak’.

The president then went on to point out that now everyone in Puerto Rico has totally recovered from the hurricane, they should probably start thinking about repaying those billions of dollars they owe the US, whenever they’re ready.