Homeless To Be Broken Up Into ‘Homeless’ & ‘Really Fucking Homeless’

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IN a bid to lower the bad look of the country’s current homelessness crisis, the government has unveiled a scheme which will break up statistics into people living in emergency accommodation and people living rough on the streets.

There are currently some 8,200 homeless men, women and children in Ireland today, which the government claims is ‘a poor representation’ of the amount of people who are ‘really, really fucking homeless’.

Current figures put the number of rough sleepers in the Dublin area at around 160, with no official figures for the rest of the country, which ‘can’t be that much higher’ according to a think-tank in Leinster House.

This lower figure will be the one put forward on a yearly basis as Ireland’s official tally of homeless people, with Taoiseach Leo Varadkar said to be very pleased that he has lowered the number of homeless people by 8,000 in just his first year in office.

“If we put forward just the number of people who are actually, bottom-of-the-well derelict as being ‘homeless’, then it doesn’t really look all that bad” said a spokesperson for the government, looking up and down the street to see if there was any dead homeless people on the doorstep today.

“As for the families in emergency accommodation, we just need to find a new name for them, something else, such as ‘families in emergency accommodation’… that might do the job. They’re not ‘homeless homeless’, like the lads you see lying in sleeping bags on doorsteps. We just split the two groups, and call it a win!”

So far, the public appears to be getting on board with the plan to stop counting people in emergency accommodation who aren’t ‘really fucking homeless’, and have praised the government for their good work.

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