Dublin Confirm They Own Football Now

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DUBLIN GAA has informed all counties that previously competed in the male and female iterations of the All-Ireland Football Championships that the competition will no longer be open to outside counties.

Posing alongside the Sam Maguire and Brendan Martin cups, the victorious men’s and women’s panels confirmed their intention to keep the trophies permanently and limit football playing to Dublin.

“We’ve got this sewn up for the next decade, so we thought it would be fairer on the rest of the country just to keep football to ourselves,” explained Dublin men’s senior football manager Jim Gavin.

“The ladies banished the ghosts of previous finals, so that’s that. We own football now, and to be honest, this is just easier than having the football championships carry on only for it to end with us psychologically torturing some poor lads from Mayo all over again,” added chief trophy shiner with the Dublin panels Martin Ferris, “my elbow is in bits as well, I need a year off”.

The news reached the other 31 counties as they were in the middle of a meeting at which they unveiled plans to pressure the GAA into splitting Dublin up into smaller teams, with every county voting in favour of splitting the capital into 244 smaller counties to combat the county’s overwhelming dominance.

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