The Farmer’s Field: Making Sure You’re Caking Enough Shit Onto Public Roads

WITH the summer season officially coming to an end, we look at some of the best techniques for leaving layers upon layers of shit on your local roads.

We ask some of the country’s most notorious farmers about their secrets, and reveal how you too can become the bane of rural motorists’ lives while continuing to get away without paying fines for destroying all the secondary roads in your area.

“I find waiting until the ground gets all soggy is the best time to start driving around the fields,” veteran Tipperary farmer Ed Phelan told The Farmer’s Field, “putting two sets of rear tyres on really gathers that muck up nicely into the grooves before you head out the gate and onto whatever public road you want”.

“Nice and slow does the job,” dairy farmer Paddy Holden from Kerry insists, “I’d never travel the same road twice in a day; that’s a fucking waste of shite if you ask me. If a road is already laced in dung, find another one to splatter – it’s not rocket science”.

Many of the farmers we spoke to believe that slurry spreaders are the best piece of machinery for dirtying roads, but Waterford farmer, James Toomey, swears by the good old fashioned open top trailer.

“I’d usually head out on a Monday and just start digging dirt up for no reason and shoveling it into a nice low base, open top trailer,” he said, “make sure it’s nice and loose before hitting the road. Key to this is a nice bumpy road so you can spill as much dirt as you can from the trailer while plodding along. Works every single time”.

Tractor broke? Don’t fret. Tommy Sheehan from Roscommon says moving a herd of cattle by foot from one field to another can be as good as any of the above methods for maximum distruction.

“I’d usually feed them at 4am so that their bowels are nice and full for the 8am morning rush,” Tommy explains, “then once the first wave of commuters come, whip open that gate and shoo the bastards onto the road. I find scaring the bejesus out of them by yelling and waving a black plastic pipe really gets the cow shit running down their legs.

“The look on some of the driver’s will make the early start in the morning all worthwhile… bonus points too for freshly washed cars”.