THE GOVERNMENT has stepped up its efforts to help people struggling in the rental market, by imposing a cap on the maximum amount that landlords can demand for a security deposit.
The reforms will see people in rent pressure zones such as cities giving just a single viable kidney as a security deposit, as opposed to today’s system which sees renters handing over two month’s rent in advance, both kidneys, a cornea and sole ownership of their beloved childhood dog.
Minister for Housing Eoghan Murphy has stated that the new rules will be put in place over the coming months, and has urged anyone in desperate need of a new home to ‘stick it out’ for another while.
“Look, just relax yourselves for another little bit and we’ll sort everything out for you,” stressed Murphy, speaking exclusively to WWN.
“It’s only a housing crisis because you’re all making it a housing crisis. If you could all just stay at home with your mams or your pals or your abusive partners or whatever for like, another six months, then you’d be in a much better position to enter the rental market. We’ll have everything sorted by then. This rental cap is just the start of things, and we brought it in because it’s simple and doesn’t cost the taxpayer a penny. All the other stuff like lack of housing and the ever-expanding property bubble, trust us, we’re all over that shit”.
Renters who have already given their kidney to their existing landlord but are looking for a new flat have been urged to ‘see what they can do’ on black market organ harvesting sites on the dark web.