WITH her hair held back by a specially appointed royal Corgi as she kneels slumped over a solid ivory toilet bowl, a furious Duchess of Cambridge has taken time out of her busy vomiting schedule to announce that Prince William will have to find some other way of gratifying himself sexually in the future because ‘he’s never coming near her with that thing again’.
Kate Middleton, currently expecting her third child to the future King of England, made the announcement following a particularly vicious bout of morning sickness that has already seen her miss out on Prince George’s first day at school.
Sources close to the 35-year-old have confirmed that the Duchess has been screaming obscenities in between bouts of explosive vomiting, and has emphatically stated that the Duke of Cambridge can ‘stick it in a jampot full of wet sponges’ from now on.
“Other suggestions included a child’s inflatable armband covered in vaseline, a bag of slightly warm mince, and a snack-sized Pringles tube full of chopped tomatoes,” said an aide to the Duchess, who hasn’t heard this kind of language out of a royal since Diana found out about Camilla.
“Whatever happens, you can be assured that this is the last child she will have for William. She’s in there puking like she’s trying to win a prize for it”.
The royal canteen has been ordered to ‘put on loads of tea and toast’, while a shipment of hot-water bottles has been ordered to Kensington Palace.