aries
21 March – 20 April
You hear back from that job interview. Sorry, but they decided to go with the guy who had a fucking clue.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
If you drank as much water as you do beer, you’d literally be the healthiest person in the world.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You’re still not over the death of Diana.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You finally clear your credit card, and all it took was the selling of one lousy kidney.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Younger you would never believe how older you loves the cleaning power of Vanish stain remover.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
No-one will smell your finger. Smell it yourself.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Didn’t get the course you wanted in the second round of CAO points? There’s always politics!
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Stop doing Buzzfeed quizzes, you’re always going to end up stupider.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You finally stop talking about Rick & Morty.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You wake up in Stradbally with no recollection as to how you got there.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
3…2…1.. you can finally talk about Game Of Thrones without people giving out about spoilers.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Oh shit, there’s your ex, go go go go go go go!
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