Meet The Five Lads Who Are Keeping Ireland Safe From International Terrorism

FOLLOWING the appointment of one new anti-terrorism specialist, swelling Ireland’s ranks to an impressive five, WWN have decided to sit down and chat with the elite squad of counter-terror operatives that are keeping our streets safe from the threat of radical fanatics.

Derek

The newest member of the team, Derek is in charge of thinking about whether or not to put bollards in place at the top of pedestrianised streets such as Grafton Street or Temple Bar, in the wake of a disturbing number of terrorist attacks in which a car was driven at pedestrians.

“Ah, it’s a lot of hassle to put in bollards, then have to lift them in and out every time a delivery van or an ambulance needs to get in” said Derek, eating a sausage roll.

“We’ll probably not bother, to be honest”.

Martin

Ex-bouncer Martin knows trouble when he sees it, after 25 years of working some of the toughest nightclub doors in Waterford. As such, he’s the perfect operative to wander around town and see if anyone is up to no good.

“I was in town earlier getting a few messages, saw some shifty looking lads here and there” said Martin, eating a sausage roll. “They’re all harmless though, I know some of them from being at the nightclub over the years. Sure if something kicks off, we’ll be there to tell them to sit down and have manners”.

Sean

Ireland’s counter-terror operations would be nothing without Sean, who handles all the admin, post, paying bills and things like that, paying the wages, and making sure everyone has a high-vis vest.

“It’d be a stupid terrorist that would mess with us” said Sean, speaking through a mouthful of sausage roll.

Marion

No-nonsense ex-Calor housewife of the year Marion has a very unique set of skills that make her a nightmare for terrorists.

“Any messing now, and I’ll get the wooden spoon” warned Marion, while sweeping up flaky pastry from the sausage rolls.

“Don’t have me warn you terrorist lads again, there’ll be slaps now if you don’t watch yourself, yis pups yis”.

Fintan

There’s not a day goes by that Fintan doesn’t head to the top of Carrauntoohil and stare, just fucking stare at the horizon, daring terrorists to even think about coming to Ireland.

“Fuckin’ try it” said Fintan, eating a now-cold sausage roll.

“I fuckin’ dare yis”.