5 Alternatives To A Hard Border

OPPOSING sides at the Brexit negotiation table can be certain of one thing; none of them want a hard border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. Such pronouncements have allowed everyone to breathe a sigh of relief until they remember the names of the various politicians tasked with making such claims a reality. What follows this realisation is something akin to a violent panic attack which leaves anyone potentially affected by a hard border grasping for air and searching for a nearby chair to sit down in.

The worst case scenario sees trade and commerce suffer irreversible damage and yet, so far the sole alternative to a so-called ‘hard border’ are saying the words ‘soft’ and ‘border’ over and over again, beyond that, concerned citizens of Britain, Europe and Ireland have little else to go on. With such apprehension and fear in mind, WWN has taken it upon itself to search for some real and concrete solutions as the EU, Ireland and Britain add another daily dose of dilly to their dallying.

1) Get the IRA to patrol the border

Con: not sure they have the numbers to patrol the entire border. Con: biases they hold could be a minor issue. Pro: they haven’t much to be doing these days, there’s not much employment for Republican terrorists looking to destabilise peace of late. Pro: make the border talks work for the everyday, normal paramilitary affiliated citizens who have suffered economically in the years after the Good Friday Agreement. Con: there are no other possible cons.

2) Liam Neeson

The stern yet calm tone Neeson adopts in many of his movies could be utilised as part of a speaker system along a soft border. “Ah fuck away with yourself and stop messing” coming from Neeson’s distinctive pipes could prove to be as potent a deterrent as custom officials flanked by gun toting British soldiers. Neeson could be available to patrol in person 365 days a year, but emails to his agent have thus far gone unanswered.

3) How hard does a hard border have to be?

There’s been a lot talk of passport checks, military presence and so on, but what everyone seems to be overlooking is that border structures don’t just have to come in steel and concrete form. Why the concerned parties aren’t looking into making a wall made out of the spongy rubbery stuff they have on the ground in playgrounds these days is beyond us. Simple and logical thinking evades politicians yet again.

4) Begin telling children in border areas made up tales of monsters who eat people alive if they even think about people trafficking or siphoning off diesel on the sly

Ingrain in children from a young age a crippling fear of crossing the border altogether, that way no one, north or south, will dare cross over it.

5) Place a roaming squad of disapproving relations along the border

Whether you’re simply getting on with going to work across the border, or you’re an illegal immigrant sneaking to the UK or Ireland to experience the benefits each country has to offer, one thing sure to put you off doing it at all is knowing your aunt Marie, who wants to know when you’re going to settle down, buy a house and have a baby, is waiting for you and won’t accept whatever answer you dream up in your head.

Bonus alternative: A time machine

Hear us out a second. Britain’s bill for leaving the EU is to be in the region of £30 billion. For a fraction of that price, hire a team of leading scientists to crack time travel. Once that’s done, go back in time to when Nigel Farage was being concieved and explain to his parents how much a bothersome twat their son would become and simply hand them a lifetime supply of condoms. Is it an ‘out there’ proposal? Yes. Is there a better option on the table? No.