NIGEL Clarke’s neighbours would describe the 57-year-old accountant as a normal man was it not for the fact he built a Game of Thrones spoiler-proof bunker 20 feet beneath his Devonshire home 3 years ago where he has resided ever since, isolated from his family and the outside world.
“I used to just shout at people and tell them to shut up. I’d cover my ears and shout ‘la la la, some of us aren’t up to date, Jesus Christ, you inconsiderate pricks’. I would full on scream at them ‘I’m only on the first episode’ when they had the cheek to talk about season 2, 3, 4 and so on. They’d give me a look like ‘hurry up and watch it’. It’s insane how people just didn’t see how wrong they were to be talking about it,” Clarke told this reporter from within the confines of the 40ft square bunker.
“That’s the pot I piss and shit in,” added the father-of-three, who explained that it hasn’t been emptied since he arrived in early 2014, with the wild-eyed English man fearing any attempt at disposing of the fecal matter up above ground could risk exposing his ears and brain to Game of Thrones spoilers.
Agreeing to an interview only after I expressed a distaste for a TV show about made up dragons and swords and other pathetic nerd interests that I have zero interest in, Clarke confirmed he has no regrets about cutting himself off from the outside world.
“I knew once people kept mentioning something called ‘The Red Wedding’ that had to start building the bunker, it’s not my fault it took me 18 months to finish the first series people should know to shut their mouths and wait for me to catch up and that includes that bastarding internet as well,” raged Clarke who clearly disapproved of ‘the internet’ talking about the popular TV show.
“I built the shelter in one night after knocking back a rake of speed, I sound proofed it 9 times just to be sure I wouldn’t be able to hear anything. Sure enough, I didn’t hear my wife beg for her life when the house above was broken into there last year and only found out she died when a note was passed under the door. I thought it was a spoiler, so I didn’t read it for 6 months. I miss her, but she spoiled Ned Stark’s death for me so what comes around, you know? And yes the oxygen supply is reduced due to the 9 soundproof layers, but other than the odd hallucination about a giant goat trying to suck out my brain through my anus with a straw, there’s been no real downside to life down here,” Clarke explained as he covered his bottom with his hands while shouting ‘shoo shoo you prick of a goat’.
Clarke explained he has enough food and Daenarys-themed porn to last him another decade. Despite this, after 3 years down in the bunker Clarke must be ready to rejoin society and catch up on season 7?
“Woah, shut up, shut up, shut up, I’m just coming to the end of season 2, show some respect for those of us who don’t have all this spare time just to blitz through it all, like students and the unemployed,” shouted the man who has lived below ground doing nothing for the last 36 months.
In a rare misstep, eager to remember which part of the series I had previously lied about not watching that Clarke was currently enjoying, I asked a question.
“The end of series two is when that cunt Joffrey gets poisoned and turns all mad purple isn’t it? That was class, I’d say you were shocked, I didn’t see it coming at all,” I said in a flurry of excitement.
Clarke’s face began to shake furiously and he struck out, landing a blow to my head.
“Spoiler alert, I’m going to fucking kill you,” he said, exploding with rage.
I fled up the ladder with Clarke in pursuit, as he clutched at my feet I continued to utter spoilers in a bid to crush his spirit. In my panic, I inadvertently blurted out spoilers for other shows which only served to confuse him.
“Rachel got on the plane, Chandler and Monica adopted twins. Now leave me alone, you mad man,” I said as I reached fresh air and turned to lock the hatch with Clarke the other side, crumpled in a heap meekly crying ‘no spoilers’.