STATE broadcaster RTE has finally announced the highlights of its TV schedule for the coming autumn/winter season, after keeping millions of Irish viewers waiting in suspense.
The press release, which was delivered by veteran Gay Byrne on top of a podium outside the station to an adoring crowd, touted “over 60 new shows and series across factual, entertainment, arts, comedy, lifestyle and drama”.
“The RTE player will be updated to meet with 2008 internet speed requirements,” Byrne began to a large cheer from those in attendance, “it will also feature new 20 minute pre-roll adverts and can be used by up to four people at anyone time in the country”.
Following a seven minute standing ovation at the news, Mr. Byrne went on to outline some of the programmes RTÉ has listed as highlights for the coming season:
- Cats Eyes with Eoghan McDermott: Travel around the country with Eoghan McDermott during this 12 part series as he checks out cat’s eyes on roads. Cats eyes on the hard shoulder. Cats eyes on the median strip. Follow along on Twitter using the hashtag #catseyes
- Not Midday But Not The Evening Either: Ireland’s newest chat show, featuring a mixture of cookery, fashion, and interviews with people from the telly and the radio. The perfect way to fill that bit of the day after the dinner but before your tea
- Supposé: Underwhelming fashion show presented by some underwhelming presenters dishing out some underwhelming celebrity news.
- Tá Scamall Sa Speir: An award-winning live broadcast of the sky where viewers are asked to text in what cloud formations they see. Hosted by Dáithí O’Sé and Grace Jones.
- Unemployed Scum: This is the fifth season of the popular reality TV program which ridicules unemployed people for the sake of entertainment. This week we follow some lad with no teeth and an addiction to heroin as he tries to explain his problems with his limited vocabulary. Watch as we carefully edit in the worst moments of his life over the three months we filmed him.
- The Blood and The Crisps: Documentary, 60mins. An in-depth look at the trials and tribulations of a hardworking crisp factory on the north side of Dublin City.
- Detective Lawyer Doctor Man: Drama. Back for its 4th season, this UK import sees Detective Harvey Munroe solve crimes while also performing life saving operations. And when he’s not doing that, he’s in court, putting criminals behind bars. He’s also a bit troubled.
- Lock, Stock And Two Smoked Salmons: Cookery, 30 minutes. Jason Statham brings his trademark hard man act to the unfamiliar setting of Donal Skehan’s kitchen. Watch as Statham brutally assaults the perma-smile chef while using his blood to season a wonderful salmon fillet and veg combo.
- The Copper Wire: Drama, 62 minutes. A sprawling, authentic and gripping drama about Gardaí tasked with bringing down a gang of copper wire thieves. In the vein of HBO’s The Wire, this drama will take about 8 attempts of watching the first episode before actually finishing it.
- The Secret Billionaire (Haiti Special): This week we follow a businessman as he goes undercover to help the world’s most impoverished island, Haiti. Our undercover billionaire volunteers to work with the island’s main mobile phone operator, which struggles greatly with damaged cables and masts. If only someone could invest a large sum of money to help them achieve their goal of bringing a steady, profitable mobile network to the country’s 10.3 million people.
- Long Way Round Ireland: Motoring, 60 mins. Charlie Boorman and Ewan McGregor continue their quest to retrieve their motorbikes, stolen somewhere in Cork.
- The Producer’s Nephew Show: Variety, 60 mins. More songs, comedy and chat, all hosted by one of the producer’s nephews. 60 minutes of prime time, filled in the most easy-to-digest, inoffensive way.
- Someone You Know In The Audience: Topical, 60 mins. Keep your eye out for someone you know in the audience, as RTÉ presents 60 full minutes of a camera panning across a studio crowd. Is that your man from up the road? Was that woman your son’s wife’s cousin that you met at the wedding? It’s the fun game everyone can play at home!
- Already Cancelled: Drama, 60mins. Check out the latest episode of the most recently cancelled US drama. Stay up to date on plot lines that will never be resolved, as the last eight weeks of following the show grinds to a pointless finish with no conclusion.
- Prime Time Crime Line: Crime/ Current Events, 45 mins. In a bid to make the RTE budget stretch, Prime Time and Crime Line will now be merged into one show. A breakdown of some of the worst scum in the nation, and then Crime Line.
- Housewives of the Real IRA: Reality, 60mins. Cameras follow the wives of some of the country’s most hard-line dissidents as they juggle their home life, their shopping, and their blank denials of any knowledge of their husbands’ whereabouts or activity.
- Stephen Fry’s Meaning Of Life: Religious affairs, 60 minutes. Following on from his successful appearance as a guest on the show Stephen Fry now replaces Gay Byrne as host. The show is comprised of guests who feebly respond ‘yes, yes, but’ to a number of compelling and sobering arguments put forward by Stephen Fry.