WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You spend the week slagging off the Rose Of Tralee, but there’s no way you’re missing it.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You buy a phone cover that’s also a wallet, because who has time to lose things in stages?

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Work on your novel has now entered its third week of sitting in Starbucks using their WiFi to make bets online.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have a good feeling about McGregor v Mayweather, and remain optimistic about your chances of sleeping right through the thing.

leo

July 23 – August 22

You do that thing where you file for bankruptcy but remain super rich, somehow.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You see a penny, you pick it up. All the day you have a fucking penny in your pocket, driving you nuts.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

It took you six weeks, but you finally click ‘accept’ after reading through every term and condition on your Apple account.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You lead a horse to water and force him to drink it at gunpoint.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You make microwave popcorn where only nine kernels didn’t pop. Your life has peaked!

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your mam doesn’t ask you if you want tea. Something’s up.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You get electrocuted while playing beach volleyball. This’ll look good on the CV.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Bad news- they finally catch you. Good news- The Hague is lovely this time of year.

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