21 March – 20 April
You spend the week slagging off the Rose Of Tralee, but there’s no way you’re missing it.
21 April – 21 May
You buy a phone cover that’s also a wallet, because who has time to lose things in stages?
May 21 – June 20
Work on your novel has now entered its third week of sitting in Starbucks using their WiFi to make bets online.
June 21 – July 22
You have a good feeling about McGregor v Mayweather, and remain optimistic about your chances of sleeping right through the thing.
July 23 – August 22
You do that thing where you file for bankruptcy but remain super rich, somehow.
August 23 – September 22
You see a penny, you pick it up. All the day you have a fucking penny in your pocket, driving you nuts.
September 23 – October 22
It took you six weeks, but you finally click ‘accept’ after reading through every term and condition on your Apple account.
October 23 – November 21
You lead a horse to water and force him to drink it at gunpoint.
November 22 – December 21
You make microwave popcorn where only nine kernels didn’t pop. Your life has peaked!
December 22 – January 19
Your mam doesn’t ask you if you want tea. Something’s up.
January 20 – February 18
You get electrocuted while playing beach volleyball. This’ll look good on the CV.
February 19 – March 20
Bad news- they finally catch you. Good news- The Hague is lovely this time of year.