aries
21 March – 20 April
You cancel your plans to visit America for the foreseeable future, ever.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
They said you’d never amount to anything, and boy how right they were.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You eat 25 portions of fruit in a single day, freeing you up to eat nothing but crap for the rest of the week.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You impose sanctions on North Korea.
leo
July 23 – August 22
This week you start to binge watch Coronation Street right from the start.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You finally bring a load of overdue tapes back at Xtra-Vision.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You’re suddenly a fan of Waterford hurling. You love them. Always have, always will.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The appearance of a Terminator on Game Of Thrones come as quite a surprise to you.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You give this ‘put your trousers on, one leg at a time’ thing a go, and you have to admit that it’s not without it’s merits.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You finally pull your penis clean off. You were warned! You didn’t listen!
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You put out a plate of Ferrero Rocher for your guests and not one of them thanks you, the spoiled bastards.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You decide to quit drinking, but will wait until the new year as there’s no point now with Halloween and Christmas coming up
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