THE ENTIRE continent of North America is sinking into the ocean at a rate of 9 inches every year due to the country’s ongoing obesity crisis, WWN can reveal.
Scientists estimate that parts of the USA will be underwater by the year 2050 if something isn’t done soon about overweight Americans and their effect on the planet’s tectonic plates.
Researchers claim that millions of Americans face potential displacement due to disproportionate sinking, and it will certainly put most of the US coastline in an increasingly vulnerable position.
“We previously thought global warming was to blame for the rising sea levels, but we couldn’t have been more wrong,” explained scientist Dr. Kevin Phelan of MIT, “it wasn’t until last week that we realised that it was in fact the continent sinking under the pressure of 78.6 million obese people living on this landmass,” before then warning ,”If the current trend is to continue, the Florida peninsula will be under water in 30 years, forcing even more Florida-based obese people inland, thus causing massive plate shifts that could possibly topple the entire content onto its side”.
With over one third of Americans currently classed as overweight, the government is expecting to bring in new fat taxes to help stabilize the sinking country and hopefully raise it back to its previous sea levels.
“If we don’t start deporting the heaviest of our citizens right now, it might be too late,” Dr. Phelan pointed out, “obesity is literally bringing America to hell with it”.
A recent study found that the average American consumes over 3,000 cows, 14 tonnes of french fries and drink the equivalent of 22 swimming pools full of soda every year.