WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Dance as if nobody is watching, even though we’re all watching and we think you’re an idiot.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You are filled with dread after realising the next bank holiday isn’t for months.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You go for a hike, then after less than an hour you request a Hailo ‘that can handle fields’.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your co-workers are really starting to tire of your one-man rendition of STOMP.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone shows you an actual photograph and you try to pinch it to ‘zoom in’.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your life would be so much easier if only you could scam someone out of a great deal of money.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone scams you out of a great deal of money! Your life just got like, infinity times more hard!  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your Daft Punk tribute gig gets off to a bad start after the venue refuse you entry until you take your helmet off.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You fondly remember the days when your milkshake brought all the boys to the yard.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Life gives you a verruca, so you make a nice glass of verruca-ade.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You take up smoking again after spending several minutes on fire

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You remain oddly excited about how bad things are going to get over the next few years with Trump and Brexit and all that.  

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