IT’S the weekend, so you know what that means: it’s time to break your back lifting up the decking in your garden that your wife insisted you get two years ago but “can’t stand the sight of now”.
Well, what else would you have to do on your day off, right? Okay, let’s do this thing.
Don’t waste your breath arguing
Look, you could try to argue that the decking looks lovely and for the money you spent on it, you should leave it down for at least five years. But honestly, you’re wasting your time. Your wife has seen something on telly or in a neighbours house, and she wants it in the back garden. Never mind how much she harangued you into getting decking in the first place. It has to come up now.
Use a hammer as often as possible
Nothing makes as much noise as a hammer, so use it to smash up the decking rather than using a saw to cut it up. The more noise you make, the more apparent it will be that you’re really pissed off about the whole thing.
Whether it’s a splinter or a scrape, make sure you draw some form of blood out of yourself one way or another. That way, you can stand running your hand under a cold tap for ten minutes shrugging off offers for help, muttering “don’t worry about me, worry about your garden” over and over again.
Take way longer than you have to
If you’re really tried, you’d have the whole thing up in a half a day. Resist this! Try and get the whole weekend out of it. That way you can have something to bitch about for at least a fortnight. That fucking decking job ruined your weekend. You could have been watching telly, drinking, anything but this!
Never, the longest day you’re both married, let her forget about how she wanted decking and then two years later wanted it all ripped up. Bring it up at the slightest mention of any new purchase. Oh, what’s that, you want milk from the shops? “To drink, or to just pour down the sink and then buy 7Up instead?”, yeah, you get the idea.