WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

It is with great regret we inform you that it’s your turn to be White House head of communications.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Your heartbreaking story of betrayal and assault earns you 100 pound from Take A Break magazine.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Just like an old Nintendo cartridge, you work just fine after someone blows on you for a while.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your Facebook memory for 2011 today was pretty class. Shame it’s been downhill since.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You eat an avocado and now you’re in debt for life.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Stop asking people how their weekend was, it’s Tuesday.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Look at you, with your ‘reading’. Who are you trying to impress? Take ninety selfies this minute.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You go to Ikea. But it’s ok; you like Ikea. This is actually a fun trip for you. Good times.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You see a bat. A real bat! You kinda thought they were something people made up.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If the 10 year-old Chinese orphan that made your iPhone could see the state of it’s cracked screen now, he’d kill himself all over again.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You buy one of McGregor’s ‘fuck you’ suits, confirming your status as an absolute lad.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You get marked as spam.  

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