21 March – 20 April
It is with great regret we inform you that it’s your turn to be White House head of communications.
21 April – 21 May
Your heartbreaking story of betrayal and assault earns you 100 pound from Take A Break magazine.
May 21 – June 20
Just like an old Nintendo cartridge, you work just fine after someone blows on you for a while.
June 21 – July 22
Your Facebook memory for 2011 today was pretty class. Shame it’s been downhill since.
July 23 – August 22
You eat an avocado and now you’re in debt for life.
August 23 – September 22
Stop asking people how their weekend was, it’s Tuesday.
September 23 – October 22
Look at you, with your ‘reading’. Who are you trying to impress? Take ninety selfies this minute.
October 23 – November 21
You go to Ikea. But it’s ok; you like Ikea. This is actually a fun trip for you. Good times.
November 22 – December 21
You see a bat. A real bat! You kinda thought they were something people made up.
December 22 – January 19
If the 10 year-old Chinese orphan that made your iPhone could see the state of it’s cracked screen now, he’d kill himself all over again.
January 20 – February 18
You buy one of McGregor’s ‘fuck you’ suits, confirming your status as an absolute lad.
February 19 – March 20
You get marked as spam.