BT SPORTS are said to be investing heavily in a pioneering surgery, which will see their employee and pundit, Michael Owen, receive the world’s first ever personality transplant.
“We’ve tried everything with Michael, we even changed the pitch of his voice using special technology as he commentated live to make him seem more lively, but his voice seems impervious to excitement,” explained one BT Sports employee.
The Premier League and Champions League broadcaster are finally acting on the complaints from some viewers who had shared stories of being cured of debilitating insomnia thanks to Owen’s observations.
“I know I should be happy my insomnia is cured, but I’ll never get back those 4 minutes where Owen sounded like he was telling an anecdote that was going somewhere but it just petered out with a resolution… it just petered out,” sobbed former insomniac and BT Sports viewer Harold Forrester.
Owen will undergo the revolutionary surgery in New York this week ahead of the upcoming start to the new Premier League season, in a last ditch bid to imbue his being with the kind of enthusiasm that has evaded him in his media career thus far.
“You know, I have to say, I’m quite looking forward to the, eh, procedure. You never know, it could result in some positives for myself, and going forward it will be of great benefit,” Owen, the crushing bore, told WWN as it slowly lost the will to live.
Despite Owen’s lack of charisma, BT viewers have reiterated that the situation isn’t yet bad enough to warrant further exposure to Robbie Savage.