WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Nobody liked your joke on Twitter about the guy from Linkin Park. Maybe they just didn’t get it.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Much like your phone, you go from 100% energy to 12% in like, five minutes.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You use the free plastic charity clothes bag that came through the letterbox as a bin liner again. Hell is too good for you.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You take a phone call and wander around while talking. An hour later, you have no fucking clue where you are.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Lookin’ good this week Leo. Keep it up.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Look, you can’t be good looking AND sound. Fucking pick one, it’s not fair on the rest of us.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Listen, do you have our copy of Terminator 2 on video that we loaned you a while back?  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You get a haircut. It’s a good haircut, if you’re only basing it on your hair being shorter than it was when you went in.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You make peace with 1,456 Spanish students. They’re on holidays, they don’t mean to be standing directly in front of you, walking at 0.2 mph.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Of all the people that could have caught you wanking over the years, you never expected it would be Pierce Brosnan. The fuck is he even doing in your house?!

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Only another few days to payday. Enjoy your sand until then!  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

There’s loads of U2 tickets now, if you still want one.  

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