21 March – 20 April
Nobody liked your joke on Twitter about the guy from Linkin Park. Maybe they just didn’t get it.
21 April – 21 May
Much like your phone, you go from 100% energy to 12% in like, five minutes.
May 21 – June 20
You use the free plastic charity clothes bag that came through the letterbox as a bin liner again. Hell is too good for you.
June 21 – July 22
You take a phone call and wander around while talking. An hour later, you have no fucking clue where you are.
July 23 – August 22
Lookin’ good this week Leo. Keep it up.
August 23 – September 22
Look, you can’t be good looking AND sound. Fucking pick one, it’s not fair on the rest of us.
September 23 – October 22
Listen, do you have our copy of Terminator 2 on video that we loaned you a while back?
October 23 – November 21
You get a haircut. It’s a good haircut, if you’re only basing it on your hair being shorter than it was when you went in.
November 22 – December 21
You make peace with 1,456 Spanish students. They’re on holidays, they don’t mean to be standing directly in front of you, walking at 0.2 mph.
December 22 – January 19
Of all the people that could have caught you wanking over the years, you never expected it would be Pierce Brosnan. The fuck is he even doing in your house?!
January 20 – February 18
Only another few days to payday. Enjoy your sand until then!
February 19 – March 20
There’s loads of U2 tickets now, if you still want one.