AS the Nation continues to enjoy its love affair with making sextapes in a bid to become famous or at the very least, the source of gossip at mass on Sunday, it has become clearer that many couples need urgent guidance on the dos and don’ts of sextapes.
1) Stick to your normal routine
There’s no need to play up to the camera just do what you always do. If you horse it into each other during the ad break of Coronation Street, stick with that.
Couples filming sex tapes often make the mistake of playing up to the camera and doing something mental like trying a position that isn’t missionary. But this will only harm your chances of providing yourselves with a sextape that is worth multiple rewatches, or something you’d be happy giving out as a gift to friends and family for Christmas.
2) Lighting. LIGHTING! It’s crucial
It doesn’t matter if this is filmed in a shed out the back or in your run of the mill suburban sex dungeon basement. Lighting is everything, it needs to be soft on your harsh bits, and really shine on your good bits.
Hollywood standard lighting rigs are recommended, and if you can’t shell out for those, then why even bother because you obviously think making a sextape is a fucking joke or something.
3) We can’t all be stars
Accept that one of you is the big draw, the camera just loves you or your partner, not both of you. It’s basic sextape science, born out over centuries of research ever since the wealthy of Florence and Rome posed for sex paintings during the Renaissance. DI Vinci regularly painted the female half of the couple in greater detail to that of the man, and you may want to give up the limelight to your partner to benefit the overall quality of the piece of art you are so lovingly making.
4) Putting on American accents?
Bad. Idea. Irish porn is a really sought after niche, if your tape is ever leaked, it stands a better chance of gaining an audience around the world. A hint of a Donegal brogue could see a bidding war break out for your tape, with it fetching a double figure amount.