PEOPLE who need information about the invention of quilted toilet roll need look no further than local man Kian Hettingham, who can answer any question on the subject after watching the 76-minute Netflix documentary ‘Softer ‘N Softer: The Complete History Of Quilted TP’ last night.
Hettingham, 36, has added the subject to his list of things he’s an expert in, all learned from watching odd, 2-star rated documentaries on the online streaming service.
In addition to toilet paper, Hettingham can bring anyone who asks up to speed on Agent Orange, people who drove tour busses for ABBA, and the 1992 Monaco team who drew 1-all with Azerbaijan in a World Cup qualifying match.
The Waterford native has taken it upon himself to educate people about subjects he considers himself an expert in, even if they don’t ask him about them at all.
“Toilet paper? Yeah, let me tell you a thing or two about toilet paper,” said Hettingham, during a lunchtime conversation with his co-workers in which nobody mentioned toilet paper.
“Did you know quilted toilet paper was originally designed as a wound gauze on the battlefield? Did you know that they had to discontinue the lavender-coloured rolls after the rainforest scandal in 1998? Did you know that quilted loo roll has nine times the tensile strength of the regular stuff? I do. I watched a documentary on Netflix about it. Ask me anything, please”.
UPDATE: police are looking for help after finding Hettingham beaten and dazed outside his workplace, with his mouth stuffed with toilet paper.